Letter to my Dad

This is a letter I mailed to my father, after receiving a text about how I was in his thoughts. I've long thought about how I could ever achieve some sort of 'resolution' to the ongoing standoff their religious shunning had forced upon me, and I believe this letter does just that.

 

A message to all GLBTI youth who suffer from religious persecution at the hand of their families: You are not alone. You do not have to give your family the power to decide if you are happy or successful. Live your life as you are meant to. Seek out people who are like minded and will accept and love you as you deserve.

 

Hi Dad

I’ve been struggling with how to word this letter for a while now. I guess your text message a few weeks ago struck a chord with me and I decided then it was time to send you a letter. Initially it was to let you know how I was going – then, as I thought about it more, it occurred to me that this letter needed to do much more than that.

To begin with, all is well. I’m very happy with how my life is and the career I have. I’ve forged myself a little place as a commissioning editor, and next week the very first book I acquired will be published and available from bookstores everywhere. I’m proud of my achievements and I love my work. I’m respected for my talents and have been given some wonderful opportunities by colleagues who have great faith in me.

Additionally, I have surrounding me the most amazing group of friends and support network. People who have stood by me and respect me. I consider that group to be family now. They accept me for who I am, but more than that, they LOVE me for who I am. I also have a loving boyfriend named Murray – who I’ve been with for three years now. At the end of the year he and I plan on a trip to New York for a week – and I am ecstatic that I found Murray and that I have him in my life.

I hope that you and the rest of my immediate family are well, and I do hope that your lives are as fulfilling as mine is proving to be.

I would like to finish this letter with a request:

As a homosexual atheist man, I know that your beliefs exclude me from your life. You are, under the confines of your religion, unable to make regular contact with me and are not allowed to share in my life as I am not a Jehovah’s Witness. I respect that you are entitled to your religion and the beliefs that go along with that. I also understand that you believe that your relationship with God depends upon the stance you take with those who are either disassociated (like me) or those who are disfellowshipped.

It is with this in mind that I would like to ask you not to contact me until your beliefs change. You are entitled to worship God how you see fit, however this has led to my family being unable to make contact with me, bar the sparest of contact from you. I have decided that as long as my family are not interested in and do not partake in my life, I do not want to know what is happening in theirs.

I am not attempting to be cruel, I have simply come to the conclusion that this past 6 years have been the best of my life. During that period if I had remained a Jehovah’s Witness, I would have committed suicide. That is what you, and the rest of my family, would have wanted for me - to refuse my homosexuality and doubts and to continue to be a Jehovah’s Witness, and to face the incredibly debilitating consequences of living a life that was a lie.

I will not be returning to your religious organisation. I do not wish to receive material from you about your beliefs. I do not want to receive updates about my siblings and their religious accomplishments and I do not want to know why you think my ways are wrong.

Until your conscience allows you to accept me as the person that I am with the beliefs that I have, I do not want to hear from you, or for that matter, any of the family. Do not email. Do not write letters. Do not text me. Do not call.

As far as I am concerned we will never be family until my family can love me as the person I am without reservation or limitation.

With love,

 

Robert.

 

Not the hero I was looking for.

I like to think I have at least a basic understanding of how politics work. I know that a healthy government tiptoes a very fine line to balance the needs of a diverse electorate, from the conservatives right through to the liberals. You could say that the current Australian government faces even more of a challenge, given that they are a minority government.

Personally, however, I do not think this precludes a governmental obligation to be socially progressive. To hold up higher ideals that protect minorities and that identify social injustices. Sometimes governments fail to do so (the current QLD State Government being a fine example – but that’s a story for another time), and it is, for all of us, a great shame that they do.

I remember being elated when I discovered that Julia Gillard had been appointed Prime Minister of Australia. It appeared that we now had a fresh Labor – one that would need the support of the Greens and the Independents to operate, our fearless leader – an unmarried, atheist woman.

Groundbreaking! I cheered.

Here was an opportunity for our country to embrace change for the better. Make some moves in the right direction.

Then Julia pissed me off with the acknowledgement that her personal stance was in favour of marriage remaining between just a man and a woman. Like a rollercoaster, she had me again when she supported the Labor Party making provision for a conscience vote on same sex marriage. Ah, those heady days when I was full of admiration for Julia.

Today it was announced the Julia Gillard would be the keynote speaker at the ACL annual conference. The Australian Christian Lobby. I won’t even touch upon the irony of an atheist leader delivering the keynote address at a Christian conference. Instead let’s focus on the track record of these bible - bashing loons.

Much like when you realise, awkwardly, that a childhood hero didn’t live up to the ideals you held so dear, I now realise that Julia Gillard is not the champion I had hoped for. Her impotent government, struggling to maintain traction, seeks the approval of a group of regressive, loud - mouthed religious extremists.

I’m sorry Julia, but I have to break up with you. Say hi to Jim and co. from the ACL for me. 

There need only be ONE argument for the legalisation of same sex marriage.

We see countless arguments and discussions in our media, all of which seek to justify as to why it is same sex couples should/should not be allowed to have legalised marriage. Ultimately, though, in the ongoing debate surrounding same sex marriage, I feel the core principle behind the movement has been lost. To not allow same sex marriage is a discriminatory act. There it is. Plain and simple. It is discrimination. Am I oversimplifying it? You be the judge.

Equal Marriage is not about love.

As idealistically sweet as it appears, using the argument that Equal Marriage is about love softens the argument. The same sex marriage cause is not about idealism, or about the concept of love, or anything quite so vague. The reality lies in the facts. No other group of people is subjected to proving that their relationship is based on love in order to get married. Being excluded from the right to get married because you identify with a particular group of people (ie as a homosexual) is discrimination.

Equal Marriage is not about ‘providing married parents for kids’.

Same sex couples may find themselves in a situation where they want to be parents. This is something to be applauded and admired. It is not, however, the reason same sex marriage should be legalised. It is not about the children. It is not a moral debate about whether or not the family unit is stronger when the parents are married. No heterosexual couple is forced to have children to get married. Not everyone who is a parent is expected to enter into a heterosexual marriage. That would be ludicrous. The fact remains to be this: being unable to perform the same public ceremony for your relationship because you are not of a particular orientation is discrimination.

Equal Marriage is not about the economy.

I’ve heard and read debate, sometimes in a satirical sense, that encourages the idea that same sex marriage would be good for the Australian economy. You know what? I don’t care if it is or is not. That is simply not the point. If the government considered marriage to be important to the economy, it is time to send out the auditors and identify what good heterosexual marriage has provided for us fiscally. Pink dollar or not, disallowing same sex marriage is suggesting that those in same sex relationships are of less worth than those in a heterosexual relationship. This is discriminatory.

Equal Marriage is not about proving that same sex couples are capable of monogamy.

It should not be considered a contributing factor that some same sex couples have been in long term relationships for periods of time that appear to be exemplary. I am not suggesting that it is not worthy of applause that couples find their relationship strong enough to remain committed to one another. However, this is not used as a gauge for determining if a ‘straight couple’ are to get married. As it is not used to determine the worthiness of a heterosexual marriage, it should not be used as an argument for same sex marriage. Allowing one group to get married while another cannot is discrimination.

Do you see the common thread to my argument? While there appear to be many reasons same sex marriage is ‘justified’, there really only needs to be ONE. You cannot have one set of rules for the general populace that does not allow for everyone to be treated with the same respect. Just because someone identifies with a particular sexual orientation does not preclude them from the same rights. To do so is discriminatory.

Regardless of the size of that group, whether they are in the minority or not, they are still entitled to the same legal rights as everyone else. ‘Minority groups’, as such, are even more worthy of protection from such discrimination. Their voice, while not being the loudest due to their size, should be protected by the greater majority simply on the grounds of wanting equal treatment for all. Just as religious, racial, economic or any other form of discrimination is frowned upon, so should we frown upon discriminating against those of different sexual orientation.

Equal marriage is quite simply a case for equal rights for all. The more readily this is recognised, the sooner we can expect the discrimination to end.

Gay marriage is not a big deal.

It’s hard not to become incensed when you read articles that directly disagree with your own stance. As much as I don’t feel that Miranda Devine’s column on the weekend was a particularly insightful piece, I’ve spent the last 24 hours convincing myself that she is entitled to her opinion.

I don’t agree though, and I want to make that so, so very clear.

Penny Wong announced last week that she, along with her partner, is to become a parent in December. Their press release was simple, and Penny herself did not make a big ‘to do’ about it all. Their private joy was shared ever so fleetlingly with us, and Penny, along with her partner Sophie, should be congratulated for their exciting news.

Does this stoke the fires of the gay marriage debate?

Only because those in opposition to gay marriage choose to let that be the case. I, for one, think gay marriage is NOT A BIG DEAL.

The only reason same sex marriage receives so much attention is because those in opposition to it are so vocal and uninhibited in expressing their opinions. Do I think you are a homophobe if you think those of the same sex should not be allowed to get married? Yes. Simply because you cannot see past gender and sexuality to recognise another human being’s right to publicly celebrate their love for someone else.

I’ve never personally given much thought to the idea of getting married. Perhaps some day I will want the opportunity to do so. Regardless of whether I have that intention, no one should be able to deny me that possibility.

Miranda, in her column about Penny and her expectant child, chooses to cite the recent London Riots as evidence of our collapsing morals and the results of a ‘fatherless society’. Such a reference is blatant sensationalism and shows a lack of true understanding into the root of the issue at hand. Shame on Miranda, for drawing such a long bow while arguing her position. Rather than giving weight to her opinions, it muddied her viewpoint, drawing attention to her clearly malevolent bias.

Our society suffers no risk in allowing homosexuals to marry or to become parents.

Allowing people the right to publicly recognise their love for another person can only ever be viewed as a joyous and exciting proposition. Allowing children the opportunity to be brought up in a household committed to providing them with a loving home can also only be a cause for celebration.

Yet again we are mired in the negative spin of those with an outdated moral code.

Gay marriage is not a big deal, and Australian polls show that the majority of our population agree with me. The sooner we recognise that all love is equal, and that marriage does not belong to the religious or ‘traditional’, the sooner we can be proud of our progressive, accepting nation.

Stop making it a big deal, Miranda. Stop trying to drag us down into a moral lockdown, religious zealots. Stop spreading a message of society in a downward spiral, homophobes. Let us move forward as a united, accepting force for beneficial change.

(nb – special thanks to Muzthekid for our chat on the train which led to this particular blogpost)

For a great post on Saturday’s Equal Love rally in Sydney, head over to StMurphy’s blog.

Gender Roles. Get Over It.

You know how you can tell a man is gay? He likes men.

Why do I make this bleeding obvious statement? I read an article recently on mamamia titled ’10 Ways to tell if the guy you like is gay’. The author had littered the piece with gay stereotypes and identified the piece as ‘tongue in cheek’, even going so far as to use his own sexuality as a justification for the humour. My instant reaction was anger, then disbelief, and then a resounding ‘Why is this newsworthy?’

Society throughout the ages has been trapped in a cycle of placing us all into little ‘niche’ boxes. Women take care of the home. Men are the hunter gatherers. Girls shouldn’t play sports. Boys shouldn’t be interested in fashion. Yadda yadda yadda. It’s time for a new tune people! I’m so increasingly bored with it all. Gender roles are passé. There, I said it. It is no longer cool to talk about what makes a boy a boy or what makes a girl a girl.

I’m of the personal belief that we spend far too much time trying to identify what makes each other tick, and how to reconcile what that means about that person. Truly, do you need to know why it is that someone prefers a particular piece of music? Does it matter who sleeps in whose bed?

Rather than focussing on a person’s true worth, whatever their achievements may be, we seem to only ever see what identifies them as a particular social entity. For example:  'Robert dresses so well, he must be a gay man'. All this achieves is endless social pigeonholing, rather than progressive social change.

I’m not here to debate whatever the reason might be for this circular ‘gender mapping’, nor am I interested in the scientific or moral explanations as to why we place such importance and have certain expectations from the male and females of the species. Quite frankly, that subject has been done to death without proper resolve. My answer is simple. Let it go. No one cares.

Let’s focus on the importance of how that person interacts with the people they choose to. Are they unkind, cruel and disingenuous? Or do they show empathy, kindness and honesty? Once we’ve established these markers as more important than gender stereotyping, I think we’ll have achieved a society we can actually be proud of.

Finally, then, we can all stop justifying the tiniest details of our lives to everyone we meet. Your music choices will remain simply that, the tunes you like to listen to. The clothes you wear will be indicative purely of your own fashion agenda. Your recreational activities will be whatever you choose to do in your spare time. What a relief that will be.

Just some fun

A little blog debate with my lovely friend Alex Carlton about the pros and cons of salacious sex memoirs.....

An anniversary worth celebrating.

Everyone who knows of me knows I’m a particularly chirpy little homo. I’ll laugh and play and throw glitter with the best of them, but every year around this time I feel a little maudlin. Let me tell you why that is.

I grew up in a family of fundamental Christians, Jehovah’s Witnesses, to be precise. We were a big, close family of 7, and our lives revolved around our devotion to preaching the word of our God, Jehovah. To say I had a difficult childhood would be unfair, as I don’t consider that to be the case. I was part of a loving family, and my parents were caring and attentive. We had a strong bond, and I would have considered each of my siblings to be the closest of friends.

Unfortunately for me, I no longer share my family’s belief in their God. We could sit here and argue about why that may be, though, as I’m sure you’ve guessed it, at the crux of the matter is my love for those of the same sex. What this means is that I have been excommunicated from their faith, and removed from their lives entirely. Come July 7, it will be 4 years to the day that I removed myself from the organization known as Jehovah’s Witnesses.

My first anniversary of leaving the church

So now we come to the real reason for this blog post. I wanted to share with you all how I feel about being the man I am today without my family’s support. You know how I feel? Truly happy.

Yes, it is true, I have not spoken to any of my family (bar the VERY occasional text from my father) for four years, and when I left the religion, I lost also the very core of my group of friends. While new converts are freely invited to join Jehovah’s Witnesses, once you are a baptised member of their religion, you cannot remove yourself without facing excommunication from the group as a whole. My family are forbidden to make contact, and   their devotion to their faith, while misguided, remains whole.

My brother's wedding. The last time I saw my family in 2007

At 27, that was a hard task. I started from scratch with the help of my beloved Mother Hen, a workmate of only 2 years acquaintance, who warmly accepted me into her family. I celebrated my very first Christmas with them in December 2007. Since then, they have been a wonderful support base, and Mother Hen has always been there when I’ve needed that motherly advice. Add to that the myriad of friends I’ve made in Sydney, a city I consider to be incredibly welcoming and warm. This new hometown has provided me with my new family, a family who accepts that I don’t intend to live my life restricted by doctrine I have no faith in.

Mother Hen and I

So, I guess what I’m truly saying is, It Gets Better. Now i’m not being glib here, it really, truly does. I was fortunate in that I found my way in a world that is so quick to judge anyone based on their race, sex or sexuality. Not everyone finds that peace, or is able to reach a point of happiness so quickly, or at all. Thousands of Australian youths suffer from depression that leads to suicide purely because they are lost in a world they believe will quickly condemn them. Statistics released in late 2009 by Suicide Prevention Australia show that the rate of suicide attempts by GLBT people is 3.5 to 14 times higher than for their heterosexual peers. This is a shocking statistic, and one that chills me to the bone, because that so easily could have been me or any number of my friends.

If you are a young, troubled GLBT teen, I want to tell you something from the bottom of my heart:

Seek out help. No one has the right to tell you that you are unworthy of love and attention. You are as deserving of love and support as your heterosexual peers. Should it be that even your family are willing to turn their back on you, do not despair that this means you will forever be without love. We are surrounded by like minded, loving souls who are more than happy to share their experiences with you and provide you with the love and support that you so desperately need.

There are many organisations specifically designed for this, and I link to just a few below.

http://www.comingout.com.au/

http://www.glccs.org.au/

http://www.pflagbrisbane.org.au/#

Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you are less important, less worthy than another family member, another person, simply because you do not share their personal ‘moral’ stance. Hopefully then you, like me, can find yourself finally happy with who you are and where you are going.

This post originally appeared as a guest post on my friend St Murphy's blog here.